Don’t Look Back in Anger - Good Co-Parenting Communication After Divorce
Divorce ends a marriage, but it does not end your shared responsibility as parents to your children. Good co-parenting communication is an important factor in helping children settle and eventually thrive after their parents separate and divorce. Research consistently shows that children adjust best to the shifting dynamic from being part of an intact family living in a single home to living in two homes after their parents’ separation, when their parents maintain a respectful relationship focused on the children’s needs and future wellbeing rather than dwelling on past disagreements. Effective communication reduces conflict, lowers stress for everyone, and models healthy emotional skills for your children.
When first separating, and during the divorcing process, parents should keep an eye on their children, and should they observe changes in their children’s well-being or behaviour they might consider engaging a child expert to advise them on how best to emotionally support their children. Even if their children are not showing any signs of distress, it is good practice for parents to jointly consult a child expert at an early stage to provide guidance and advice on how to inform their children about their separation and divorce and assist them with the transition that this brings (from one home into two and/or the introduction of new partners). The child expert can also help with the drawing up of a parenting plan / care schedule for their children.
The foundation of successful co-parenting is good communication with your ex, treating them more like a business partner rather than a former spouse, with the shared goal of ensuring your children’s best interests are always paramount in any discussions and decisions you make together so that your children can thrive. It helps to keep interactions brief, informative, polite/friendly, firm and always centered around what is best for your children. You should avoid discussing adult issues - finances, new relationships, or old disputes/grievances - in front of your children or in messages exchanged that they might see. The communication with your ex should express needs without blame: “Tommy needs his football boots for Saturday’s game; can you please help him remember to pack them?” instead of “Please don’t forget to pack Tommy’s football boots again this Saturday”.
Choosing the right communication channel can also be a great help. For everyday logistics, shared apps such as OurFamilyWizard, TalkingParents, AppClose, 2Houses or Google Calendar, can do wonders to assist co-parenting because they create a written record (if needed) and reduce emotional tone, which can often be misinterpreted and lead to unnecessary conflict. It is a good idea (in the early days after separation at least) to reserve phone calls for urgent matters only; texts are fine for quick updates (“we are running 5 mins late sorry”) but can often be misread and can be responded to quickly and often without proper thought (“what? Again!”). It is never a good idea to use social media to communicate with your ex; it is far too public. You should never put your children in the middle by using them as messengers. Keep to an agreed schedule and avoid last-minute changes that disrupt established routines. The goal is to be as consistent as possible in order to rebuild and maintain trust with your ex with a view to providing security for your children. A short pre-emptive monthly email exchange which summarises and reminds you both of upcoming school events, medical appointments, and extracurricular activities etc. can help to keep both co-parents informed without forcing unnecessary frequent contact.
It also helps to set boundaries and expectations early on as to your communication with each other as co-parent. Agree on the required response times (for example, reply within 48 hours for non-emergencies) and agree on the topics that belong and do not belong in co-parenting discussions/communication (and on the platform being used). If emotions run high at any time, if something upsets you, try and have a cooling-off period before replying. It is very hard to stay present and focused when you are emotionally stimulated. A simple rule many successful co-parents follow is the “24-hour rule”: wait a day before responding to any message that triggers you. This prevents impulsive replies that can escalate conflict and derail the co-parenting relationship.
When disagreements arise, try and focus on solutions, not blame or winning the argument. When addressing the disagreement always start with how to seek a solution with your children’s best interest in mind: think “what schedule works best for football practice” rather than “this problem would not exists if the other parent was not so unreasonable or selfish”. If you cannot calmly resolve an issue that has arisen between you and your ex, consider involving a neutral third party such as a trained family mediator or parenting coordinator. Seeking out professional help both immediately prior to / upon separation and thereafter, in an effort to maintaining a solid co-parenting relationship, is not a sign of failure; it is a smart investment in the future of your children’s stability and wellbeing.
For the more sophisticated and experienced co-parent, regular, direct, but low-pressure check-ins can help prevent small manageable problems from growing into unmanageable issues and assist in aligning / keeping their goals aligned. Perhaps even consider making an effort to celebrate your children’s milestones together when appropriate - joint attendance at parent teacher conferences, school plays or sports games, show your children that both their parents are still a team and on the same side in the ways that really matter.
Good co-parenting communication is not about becoming friends again. It is about becoming effective teammates for the most important project of your lives: raising healthy and secure children. The effort pays off; children can thrive even after their parents’ separation and divorce, and those whose parents communicate respectfully show fewer behavioural problems, higher self-esteem, and better academic results. They also learn that adults can disagree yet still work together, which is a powerful life lesson.
This publication is general in nature and is not intended to constitute legal advice. You should seek professional advice before taking any action in relation to the matters dealt with above.